Skip to main content

I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore: understanding why and talking about it

Un couple habillé assis dans son lit le soir, chacun de son côté, les mains posées près l'une de l'autre sur la couette

Tiredness, your relationship, hormones, medication or mismatched desire: understand what is going on, talk about it together and know where to turn in Switzerland.

By Amélie Favre · 3 November 2026 · 11 min read

You love your husband and your relationship matters to you. Yet the desire to have sex is no longer there. You may feel guilty, or worry about your relationship.

This happens to many people, and it is not your fault. This guide helps you understand what may be involved, talk about it and know where to turn in Switzerland. It applies to every couple, whether you live with a husband, a wife or a partner.

Key takeaways

  • Changes in desire are common. It is only called a disorder when the situation lasts and causes you distress.
  • In a long-term relationship, not wanting sex at the same pace is common. It is nobody's fault.
  • Desire does not always come before touch: it can grow once you have started being affectionate.
  • Tiredness, stress, conflict, pain, medication, hormones or mental health can play a part, often together.
  • No one should force themselves, or be forced. If the situation weighs on you, a doctor or a sexologist can help.

🔎 Contents

  1. No longer wanting sex: is it common?
  2. Low libido or mismatched desire?
  3. Spontaneous and responsive desire
  4. Why have I lost interest in sex? Possible causes
  5. How to talk to your partner about it
  6. Ways to reconnect
  7. When to get help and who to see in Switzerland
  8. FAQ: your questions about low desire

No longer wanting sex: is it common?

Yes. Desire changes over the course of life, and temporary dips are common. Doctors only speak of a disorder if the situation lasts at least six months and causes significant distress (MSD Manual on sexual interest/arousal disorder, in French).

In Switzerland, a national survey in 2017 questioned young adults aged around 26. Over the previous four weeks, 17% of women said they had felt little desire (study published in 2024 on low sexual desire among young adults in Switzerland). So you are not alone.

For more on going without sex, you can also read how long can a woman go without sex?

Low libido or mismatched desire?

Two situations look alike without being the same. In the first, your desire has dropped compared with what you used to feel. In the second, you and your partner do not want sex at the same pace.

This mismatch is common in long-term relationships. Different working hours, children or work stress can contribute. The 2020 position statement of the European Society for Sexual Medicine (ESSM) makes clear that it is not an illness. It recommends treating it as a matter for the couple, without labelling the person who wants sex less as "the problem".

No one is to blame: neither the partner who wants sex less, nor the other.

Spontaneous and responsive desire

Desire is often pictured as an urge that appears on its own, before any touch. This is known as spontaneous desire. There is another common form: responsive desire, which arises in response to affection, caresses or the atmosphere (ESSM position statement on desire discrepancy).

So no longer feeling desire "out of the blue" does not necessarily mean your desire has gone. It can appear as you relax and touch, if you feel like trying, with no obligation to go further.

Why have I lost interest in sex? Possible causes

Several factors can combine. The NHS page on low sex drive lists the possible causes.

Tiredness, mental load and stress

Tiredness, stress and anxiety can dampen desire. Family, work or money worries can take up all the space. This is also what is known as the mental load: constantly thinking about meals, appointments or the children. Drinking too much alcohol can also play a part.

The relationship, routine and conflict

An unresolved conflict, a lack of communication or the feeling of not being listened to all weigh on desire. And when time together comes down to organising daily life, there is little room left for intimacy.

Pain during sex

When sex hurts, it makes sense to want it less. Dryness, burning or pain during penetration can be treated, and desire can return once the pain is eased. Talk to your doctor or gynaecologist about it.

Some medications

Some treatments can lower libido, including medicines for high blood pressure and antidepressants, especially those in the SSRI group. Lower desire or difficulty reaching orgasm are among the possible side effects of antidepressants.

If you think a treatment is playing a part, talk to your doctor. Never stop an antidepressant suddenly or on your own, as the NHS page on antidepressant side effects points out.

Hormonal contraception

For some people, the pill, the patch or the implant can reduce desire. If you have noticed a change, talk to your doctor or gynaecologist. If you do not want to get pregnant, do not stop your contraception without an alternative in place.

After giving birth and while breastfeeding

After a birth, desire can take time to return. Hormonal changes can also make the vagina drier than usual (NHS advice on sex after giving birth).

While breastfeeding, libido can drop. A 2026 systematic review on sexual function in breastfeeding women also notes dryness and pain during sex. It points to hormones, especially in the first few months, but also to psychological, social and relationship factors.

Perimenopause and menopause

Lower desire is one of the possible symptoms of the menopause, as is vaginal dryness, which can make sex painful (Geneva University Hospitals (HUG) page on the menopause, in French). Perimenopause covers the two to four years before the menopause. If your desire changes during this time, talk to your gynaecologist.

Mental health

Depression and anxiety can lower desire. If you have been feeling low or worn out for a while, talk to your doctor: your mental health comes first.

What may play a part Examples Who to talk to
Daily life Tiredness, stress, alcohol Partner, doctor
Relationship Conflict, lack of communication Sexologist, couples counselling
Body Pain, dryness Doctor, gynaecologist
Treatments Antidepressants, the pill Doctor
Hormones After birth, menopause Gynaecologist
Mental health Depression, anxiety Doctor

How to talk to your partner about it

Talking about it is often frightening: you may fear hurting your partner or weakening the relationship. Silence, though, leaves each of you imagining the worst. Your partner may believe you no longer find them attractive, when the cause lies elsewhere.

Choose your moment. Avoid bed, the moment just after you have said no, or an evening when you have argued. Choose a calm moment without screens: a walk, a journey, a coffee.

Use "I" statements. Saying what you feel, rather than what your partner does, keeps them from feeling accused. For example:

  • "I love you, and I don't really feel like sex at the moment. I'd like us to talk about it."
  • "I've been exhausted lately, and it's affecting how much I want sex. It's not about you."
  • "I need affection without it always having to lead to sex."

What to avoid. Blame ("sex is all you think about"), comparisons with the start of the relationship and promises you cannot keep.

Make room for your partner's reaction. Your partner may react with relief, sadness or hurt. Give them time, and listen to what they feel: the lack of intimacy can be hard for them too. One conversation is rarely enough.

💬 Saying "I don't feel like it at the moment" is not a rejection of your partner. It is information that helps you move forward together.

For more ideas, read our article on how to talk about your fantasies with your partner.

Ways to reconnect

There is no single method. Adapt these ideas to your relationship and your own pace.

Consent first. You do not have to force yourself to please your partner or to "save" the relationship. Your partner should not insist or force you. Sex happens because you both want it, and a no never needs justifying.

Intimacy without pressure. Cuddling, massage, falling asleep close together, without it having to lead to sex. With responsive desire, wanting sex sometimes returns in these moments. If it does not, that is not a failure.

Time together. A meal, a walk, an evening without phones: the idea is to reconnect outside the logistics of daily life.

Get to know yourself again. Take time to work out what feels good for you today, and share it with your partner. Your tastes may have changed over the years. Our guide what is an orgasm? can help you understand your responses better. Some people also rediscover their sensations with a sex toy, alone or together, with no goal and no pressure. If the idea appeals to you, our buying guide and its quiz can help you find one that suits you.

Ease the tiredness. Sleep, rest, sharing the housework: reducing tiredness and stress also tackles what holds desire back.

💡 Solena tip

Plan a moment of affection "with no goal": agree beforehand that it will not lead to sex. With nothing at stake, it may be easier to relax and enjoy being close.

When to get help and who to see in Switzerland

You can seek help as soon as the situation weighs on you, without waiting for it to settle in. It is especially advisable if:

  • the drop in your desire worries you or causes distress, for you or your relationship;
  • you think a medication or your contraception is affecting your desire;
  • your desire does not return after a pregnancy;
  • sex is painful.

Where to turn

If dryness makes sex uncomfortable, our EasyGlide water-based lubricant is fragrance-free and rinses off with water. If dryness persists, talk to your gynaecologist.

This article is for information only and does not replace advice from a health professional. Do you have pain, low desire that causes you distress or doubts about a treatment? Talk to your doctor, your gynaecologist or a sexologist.

FAQ: your questions about low desire

Why don't I want to sleep with my husband anymore?

Often, several reasons combine: tiredness, stress, tension in the relationship, pain, medication, hormones or mental health. Not wanting sex does not mean you no longer love your partner. If it lasts and weighs on you, a doctor or a sexologist can help.

Is it normal to not want sex with your partner?

It is common. Desire changes over the course of life, and mismatched desire happens often in long-term relationships. It is only called a disorder when the situation lasts and causes distress.

Why have I lost my sex drive after having a baby?

After a birth, desire can take time to return. Tiredness, hormonal changes, dryness and breastfeeding can all play a part. If your desire does not return or sex hurts, talk to your doctor or gynaecologist.

Can antidepressants cause low libido?

Yes, some antidepressants, especially SSRIs, can lower desire. Depression itself can also play a part. Never stop your treatment on your own: talk to your doctor first.

Can the pill lower your sex drive?

For some people, yes, but not for everyone. If you have noticed a change, talk to your doctor or gynaecologist before stopping anything.

No sex drive during the menopause: what can I do?

Lower desire and vaginal dryness are among the possible symptoms of the menopause. Talk to your gynaecologist, especially if sex is painful. If you have dryness, a lubricant can make sex more comfortable.

How can I get my desire for my husband back?

There is no single answer. Start by talking about it, using "I" statements and without blame. Affection with no obligation to have sex, time together and less tiredness can help. No one should force themselves. If nothing changes after a few months, a sexologist or couples counselling can support you.

Article written by Amélie Favre for Solena, a Swiss intimate wellness shop, based on the sources listed below. Learn more about Solena.

Sources and references

Continue reading

Pivoine rose pâle dans un vase en verre sur un guéridon blanc, près d'un fauteuil et d'un plaid violet

First sex toy: how to choose the right one

Grenade coupée en deux sur des draps en lin blanc, à côté d'une tasse de tisane et d'une serviette violette

Sex on your period: risks, hygiene and pleasure

Comments

Be the first to comment.