Talking about your fantasies with your partner: why and how?

💬 Introduction

Daring to Talk About Fantasies: A Step Toward Greater Intimacy

Having a fantasy is natural. Talking about it? Much less so.

We all have desires, images, and scenarios that cross our minds… But when it comes to saying them out loud, doubt creeps in:

What if it’s too much? What if they don’t understand? What if I come across as weird?

👉 So we keep it all to ourselves. We stay quiet. We protect ourselves. But we forget that fantasies can also bring us closer.

A study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that nearly 80% of adults have recurring fantasies — but very few dare to share them with their partner.

💬 “A fantasy isn’t a demand. It’s a confidence.”

What if, instead of creating distance, talking about them opened the door to more freedom, more connection, and more shared desire?

💡 Fantasy: Definition, Role & Common Misconceptions

Fantasizing is healthy — and more common than you think.

Before you can talk about it, you have to understand what a fantasy really is.

So, what is a fantasy?

A fantasy is an erotic thought, an imaginary scenario that sparks desire. It’s not necessarily something you want to do, or even something you fully admit to. It’s a mental space — intimate, private, free of rules or consequences.

💬 “To fantasize is to explore without acting. To dream without necessarily wanting to live it.”

Fantasy ≠ real desire

You might fantasize about:

• a situation that doesn’t attract you at all in real life
• a power dynamic (submission, domination)
• a public place, a stranger, a role-play scenario…

And that doesn’t mean you actually want to do it.

👉 A fantasy often serves as a spark for arousal — not a checklist of things to accomplish.

Sexologist Justin Lehmiller, author of Tell Me What You Want, shows that most fantasies are symbolic. They reflect emotions or needs for connection — without necessarily implying a desire to act them out.

So why do we still think it’s “weird”?

Because for a long time, fantasies were linked to deviance, frustration, or even danger.

But today, we know better: everyone fantasizes. And often, these inner images are what feed desire, creativity… even self-confidence.

💭 Some common examples?

• Some fantasize about dominance or submission.
• Others picture unusual places, strangers, group scenarios, or being watched…
• And sometimes, a fantasy is nothing extreme — it can be tender, emotional, or symbolic.

What matters isn’t what the fantasy is about — but what it awakens in you.

There’s no such thing as a good or bad fantasy. Just intimate desires you can choose to keep to yourself… or share.

🙈 Why We Don’t Dare Talk About Our Fantasies

What We Think in Silence… But Rarely Say Out Loud

The fear of judgment
You may have already felt like bringing it up. You hesitated. And then… you held back. Saying a fantasy out loud means revealing yourself. And that vulnerability is scary.

We immediately imagine the other’s reaction: What if it’s too much? What if they think I’m weird?

An upbringing that didn’t prepare us for this
We weren’t taught to talk about pleasure or desire — let alone fantasies. So we grow up without the tools to express what we feel. Even as adults, we’re often stuck in that learned modesty.

A 2021 IFOP survey shows that 85% of French people have had a sexual fantasy — but more than half have never shared it with their partner.

The fear of hurting the other
We think: “If I tell them I have this fantasy, will they think something’s missing between us?” But a desire, an image, a curiosity doesn’t question the relationship. It’s just adding a new layer to your intimacy.

And sometimes… it’s just blurry
Sometimes, it’s not fear that blocks you — it’s the lack of words. Fantasies are instinctive, visual, sensory. Not always clear or easy to explain. So we put it off.

💬 “The hardest part isn’t having a fantasy. It’s daring to give it a voice.”

💞 The Benefits of Sharing a Fantasy

Talking about your fantasies can feel scary. But in a safe and trusting space, it can completely transform your relationship.

Stronger emotional connection
Sharing a fantasy means revealing a deeply personal part of yourself. It’s saying: “I trust you enough to share something I’ve never told anyone.” That trust creates a deep, sincere bond.

Reignited desire
Fantasies awaken what’s been dormant. Even if they remain imaginary, they’re often enough to:

• spark desire again
• create new erotic tension
• refresh the couple’s dynamic

A more liberated, authentic sexuality
When both partners can express what excites them, intimacy becomes freer, less scripted, and more genuine. You learn more about yourself — and about each other.

💬 “A fantasy isn’t an escape. It’s an entry point to the richness of desire.”

🗣️ How to Talk About Your Fantasies With Your Partner

Saying what you’ve never said... without getting burned

You’ve had this fantasy in mind. You feel the urge to share it. But… how do you bring it up?

It’s not just about words. It’s about trust, timing, and intention.

Here’s a simple and gentle method to open up without pressure:

1. Choose the right moment
Not during sex, a fight, or when your partner is distracted. Choose a calm, intimate moment: a quiet evening, a walk, a lazy Sunday.

💬 “There’s something I’ve had on my mind for a while… and I was wondering if I could share it with you.”

2. Create a safe space
Explain your intention. You’re not making a request — you’re opening a window into your inner world.

• “I’m not saying this because I want to act on it, but because I want you to know me more deeply.”
• “I’m not even sure I’d want to live it out… but it sometimes crosses my mind.”

3. Be ready for their reaction
They might be surprised, quiet, or hesitant. And that’s OK. You’re not expecting an answer right away — just that they hold space for your words.

4. Offer context
If your fantasy feels hard to explain, help them understand what it means to you:

• “What excites me is the feeling of losing control.”
• “It’s not the situation itself, it’s the forbidden element, the adrenaline.”

5. Listen in return
Opening up might also encourage your partner to share something they’ve never said. This could be a turning point in your intimacy.

💡 Solena tip: Emotional safety is the foundation of every intimate exchange. It’s what turns a risky conversation into a moment of real connection.

❌ What If Your Partner Doesn’t Share the Same Fantasy?

When desire doesn’t echo back

You were brave. You opened up. You shared that fantasy that had been lingering in your mind.

And then… a lukewarm reaction. Awkwardness. A no. Or worse: complete misunderstanding.

💭 This isn’t a failure: A lack of enthusiasm doesn’t mean communication has failed. It’s an opportunity to explore in a different way.

Accept their “no” without taking it personally
A fantasy is deeply personal. Your partner has every right to feel uncomfortable or not share the same excitement.

👉 It’s not a rejection of you, but rather an expression of their own boundaries.

Find common ground
Sometimes it’s not the fantasy itself that feels off, but the way it’s presented. You can ask open-ended questions:

• “What exactly makes you uncomfortable?”
• “Is there a softer or symbolic version that you’d feel okay with?”

Allow yourself to keep it to yourself
Not all fantasies are meant to be fulfilled. Some can remain in your secret garden, fueling your imagination and enriching your sexuality in their own way.

💬 “Just because a fantasy isn’t acted out… doesn’t mean it can’t nourish me.”

In a relationship, it’s not about sharing everything — it’s about listening, respecting, and moving forward with care.

🔥 Exploring a Fantasy Together: Where to Start?

When imagination gently comes to life

You’ve shared your fantasy. And your partner listened. Even better — they’re curious, open, maybe even turned on by the idea.

So… how do you move from words to experience without awkwardness or pressure?

The key is to take it slow. There’s no need to jump into everything all at once.

💡 A fantasy can be explored in stages.
Sometimes, just a hint of roleplay or atmosphere is enough to spark something new.

Start small
You don’t have to act everything out. Often, a single detail is enough:

• A whispered word
• Soft lighting
• A change in tone or intention

Play with the codes of fantasy
Fantasies are like mini stage plays. Create a space that feels safe and fun, with clear, simple rules:

• Roleplay (even without costumes)
• A blindfold to heighten sensations
• Guided instructions (“you can’t touch me,” “I make the rules”)
• Gentle tension: “you’re not allowed to climax until I say so”

Consider accessories… but only if they excite you
Sex toys, blindfolds, cuffs — they can enhance the experience, but they’re never mandatory.

💬 “A fantasy doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to be lived at your pace.”

🔄 Fantasies: The Fuel Behind a Thriving Sex Life

Feeding desire, even without acting it all out

Some fantasies are lived.
Others are shared.
And many are kept private.

And that’s perfectly fine. Because imagination plays a vital role in keeping desire alive — even when it stays secret.

🧠 Fantasies are a free mental space
Where anything is possible. No judgment. No consequences. And a lot of power over your arousal.

Fantasies are here to:

• Stimulate mental arousal
• Break routine in the relationship
• Reconnect body and mind through imagination

They don’t replace what exists in your relationship. They enrich it. They extend pleasure — even when life takes over.

👉 In long-term relationships, they’re often that invisible spark that keeps attraction burning.

It might be a fantasy you’ve never shared.
A scenario you play with together from time to time.
Or simply… a world that’s just yours, quiet but vivid.

💬 “Some fantasies are meant to be lived. Others are simply meant to live within us.”

What matters isn’t what you do.
It’s what you feel, explore, and embrace.
That’s what makes your sexuality feel alive.

✅ Conclusion

Talking about fantasies is a new way to connect

Sharing a fantasy is much more than an erotic confession.

It’s a sign of trust. A gateway to a deeper, more authentic intimacy.

You don’t have to be ready for everything.
You don’t need your partner to say yes to everything.
But daring to put words to your desires, your imagination, your inner world…

That’s already a powerful step toward yourself.

💬 “Sometimes, a fantasy opens a whole new playground. Other times, it remains a quiet confession. And that’s perfectly okay.”

Either way, it belongs to you. And it deserves to exist.

❓ FAQ – Fantasies and Couple Communication